http://www.civicus.org/pg/world-democracy-day/1134

So, today is the 8th anniversary of the 9-11 attack on the Twin Towers in New York City. I still remember exactly where I was on that day and time. I was at my previous job. It was the job where I worked with children and adolescents at a residential place. I remember looking at the TV screen as the second flight hit the tower. I’d like to never forget that moment, the thoughts that came to my head, the shocking feeling I felt. We should never forget it because it’s there to remind us what we did wrong. Yes, what we, this country, did wrong.

Perhaps in a different opportunity (maybe next year), I wll continue this topic further. But for now, to those who have been affected and traumatized by this event, may your pain lessen over time, may you eventually find some kind of peace inside you, and may you continue to endure. For this country, may the politicians stop using and taking advantage of this event in a wrong way to further their nasty agenda and see this event as it is, that is a result of this country’s own fear. For the world, may we all find peace that we deserve and stop using violence against each other.

Unbelievable! Where is the decency? I really don’t expect to see behavior and attitude so low as what this man showed that evening. What’s next? What kind of behavior are we going to see then next time? What, a brawl? Professionalism, people! Have we gone so low that we abandoned it? I can’t believe that a part of me actually feel embarrassed looking at this man’s behavior, and he’s a Congressman? His behavior reflects the mob’s behavior in those town hall meetings. The difference is that we expect a different set of behavior from our congressmen and congresswomen than those crazy, ignorant, prejudice townhallers. Or, maybe that’s where I’m wrong. Perhaps the line between some of our congressmen/women and those crazy, ignorant, prejudice townhallers is really…nonexistent. The behaviors of the people reflect their leaders’, or is it the other way around? So which ones are the leaders again? Somebody please remind me.

Seeing things like this makes me experience a range of feelings. It started with anger. Gosh, was I angry. I was furious sitting at home watching the whole thing plays on TV. Then I felt it again when I read the support that this delirious, hallucinating, lunatic, stupid, brainless, ignorant Joe Wilson received the next day from other similar delirious, hallucinating, lunatic, stupid, brainless, ignorant extreme-right groups. Then I felt a mix of upset and sadness. Sad because this is not necessarily the direction that I would like to see happen with this government. Politics have never been this ugly before in the U.S. Sure, there have always been debates and disagreements between the two parties in the past, which are expected. Debates, discourse and negotiations between multiple parties are also part of democracy. What happens now is that as the Democratic party is getting stronger and holding the majority space in Congress, the Republican party is getting more desperate, which is why I think the atmosphere has becoming uglier. Debates and discourse have been replaced with verbal attacks, in which some are just plain racist, violent and perhaps even crude. Negotiation? Forget about it. It’s been thrown out the window by the right-wing.

The point is, some people in this country, including politicians, are actually moving slowly, inch by inch, away from democracy. Either they are ignorant all about the meaning of democracy or they have a separate agenda in their mind on how this country should be run. Too harsh? I don’t think so, it’s just a frank talk here. I hope it’s the problem of the former, not the latter, meaning that it’s a problem of having too many ignorant, fearful people who lack the ability to do critical thinking, not the problem of having a different ideology/agenda to change the meaning of democracy in this country. Actually, if that’s the case, they need to find another name, not democracy. Democracy is democracy; its meaning stays the same regardless of the country that claims to hold it. What these extreme right-wing people are doing are NOT in the name of democracy or freedom of speech (my ASS!). I honestly don’t know what the new name would be because I’m still perplexed with the whole thing.

Actually, after thinking about this more, I am positive it’s the problem of ignorance, having uncontrollable fear to the point that it becomes delusional, and therefore, arrives to the inability to come to critical thinking. Why? Because you can’t even expect these people to even understand the difference between socialism and communist principles, not to mention fascism. Poor President Obama, he got them all. I hope he can see the humor in this since he’s the first president ever, possibly of any country, who has been called all the above, and yet, not all the above.

I watched Countdown with Keith Olbermann on the day after the Presidential Speech, and he said something that I completely agree. I’m not sure the exact quote, but he simply said that it’s not the war, nuclear power, H1N1, or terrorist attack that will bring this country down, but it’s the fear and ignorance. I said something similar to that in another essay that I wrote. Fear and lack of critical thinking are the threats of democracy. These two are the foundations of ignorant, prejudice and racist thinking. It’s the fear of losing whatever sense of power these people think they have and it has increased due to the fact that we now have a Black president in power. My concern is that when and if this fear continues to increase, the feeling of desperation is also likely to continue. Desperate people will do almost anything. If we, meaning the people and government of this country, don’t intervene urgently, I’m afraid something very ugly may come out of this as a result; something that will shake the whole country. The ugliness is worrisome and worth everyone’s attention and action to bring down the fire and cool the temperature.

Unbelievable! Where is the decency? I really don’t expect to see behavior and attitude so low as what this man showed that evening. What’s next? What kind of behavior are we going to see then next time? What, a brawl? Professionalism, people! Have we gone so low that we abandoned it? I can’t believe that a part of me actually feel embarrassed looking at this man’s behavior, and he’s a Congressman? His behavior reflects the mob’s behavior in those town hall meetings. The difference is that we expect a different set of behavior from our congressmen and congresswomen than those crazy, ignorant, prejudice townhallers. Or, maybe that’s where I’m wrong. Perhaps the line between some of our congressmen/women and those crazy, ignorant, prejudice townhallers is really…nonexistent. The behaviors of the people reflect their leaders’, or is it the other way around? So which ones are the leaders again? Somebody please remind me.

Seeing things like this makes me experience a range of feelings. It started with anger. Gosh, was I angry. I was furious sitting at home watching the whole thing plays on TV. Then I felt it again when I read the support that this delirious, hallucinating, lunatic, stupid, brainless, ignorant Joe Wilson received the next day from other similar delirious, hallucinating, lunatic, stupid, brainless, ignorant extreme-right groups. Then I felt a mix of upset and sadness. Sad because this is not necessarily the direction that I would like to see happen with this government. Politics have never been this ugly before in the U.S. Sure, there have always been debates and disagreements between the two parties in the past, which are expected. Debates, discourse and negotiations between multiple parties are also part of democracy. What happens now is that as the Democratic party is getting stronger and holding the majority space in Congress, the Republican party is getting more desperate, which is why I think the atmosphere has becoming uglier. Debates and discourse have been replaced with verbal attacks, in which some are just plain racist, violent and perhaps even crude. Negotiation? Forget about it. It’s been thrown out the window by the right-wing.

The point is, some people in this country, including politicians, are actually moving slowly, inch by inch, away from democracy. Either they are ignorant all about the meaning of democracy or they have a separate agenda in their mind on how this country should be run. Too harsh? I don’t think so, it’s just a frank talk here. I hope it’s the problem of the former, not the latter, meaning that it’s a problem of having too many ignorant, fearful people who lack the ability to do critical thinking, not the problem of having a different ideology/agenda to change the meaning of democracy in this country. Actually, if that’s the case, they need to find another name, not democracy. Democracy is democracy; its meaning stays the same regardless of the country that claims to hold it. What these extreme right-wing people are doing are NOT in the name of democracy or freedom of speech (my ASS!). I honestly don’t know what the new name would be because I’m still perplexed with the whole thing.

Actually, after thinking about this more, I am positive it’s the problem of ignorance, having uncontrollable fear to the point that it becomes delusional, and therefore, arrives to the inability to come to critical thinking. Why? Because you can’t even expect these people to even understand the difference between socialism and communist principles, not to mention fascism. Poor President Obama, he got them all. I hope he can see the humor in this since he’s the first president ever, possibly of any country, who has been called all the above, and yet, not all the above.

I watched Countdown with Keith Olbermann on the day after the Presidential Speech, and he said something that I completely agree. I’m not sure the exact quote, but he simply said that it’s not the war, nuclear power, H1N1, or terrorist attack that will bring this country down, but it’s the fear and ignorance. I said something similar to that in another essay that I wrote. Fear and lack of critical thinking are the threats of democracy. These two are the foundations of ignorant, prejudice and racist thinking. It’s the fear of losing whatever sense of power these people think they have and it has increased due to the fact that we now have a Black president in power. My concern is that when and if this fear continues to increase, the feeling of desperation is also likely to continue. Desperate people will do almost anything. If we, meaning the people and government of this country, don’t intervene urgently, I’m afraid something very ugly may come out of this as a result; something that will shake the whole country. The ugliness is worrisome and worth everyone’s attention and action to bring down the fire and cool the temperature.

Can’t believe I just spent my weekend watching The Sound of Music twice. Twice! Once yesterday and once today. It was on the ABC Family channel for two days in a row! Who would have done that? Why would somebody do this to me? I can’t believe I spent my weekend watching it as if I’ve never seen it before, singing to every song, oh please, somebody stop me!

What is it about The Sound of Music that keeps pulling me to see it over and over again? To say that I love the movie is an understatement, I adore the movie. I grew up watching it, thanks to my mom who introduced it to me when I was probably still in kindergarten. I sing all the songs, but love the Edelweis song the most. I don’t know how should I say this; I think the movie just has everything that I like, the drama, singing, dancing, humor, a good story line, a good character development for its characters. It has patriotic messages, glorious moments, excitement, and let’s not forget, the breathtaking mountainous region of Austria. I love the Laendler dance (I think that’s the spelling), by the way. It’s the traditional Austrian folk dance that Maria and Captain von Trapp were dancing together.

This is definitely THE #1 movie that I can watch over and over again without getting tired of it. Ever since I’ve arrived in this country in 1990, I think I’ve seen it at least once every year. I even bought the DVD. It is a wonderful movie, nicely done, awesomely acted, but for me, it has an additional meaning too. It has wonderful memories associated with it, memories from my childhood. Every time I watch it, I remember something from my childhood. Every time I watch it, it gives me a warm feeling, a familiar feeling. In other words, it’s a source of comfort. When I felt bad or sick and had to stay home for so many days, I would watch this movie. I guess when I’m feeling bad, I simply remember my favorite things, such as this movie, and then I won’t feel so bad. So, there I was resting at home, enjoying the short three-day weekend, watching my movie. Oh, it’s irresistible, couldn’t help myself to sing along. Luckily I was home alone when the movie came one because I don’t think Mike would be able to handle it. He’d run out the house if he were around.

I have to say, movies nowadays are not made like this anymore. They’re different now. I don’t know if there’s any recent children classic movie similar to The Sound of Music. Children movies now are so adult-like, gone are the feel-good, singing, dancing, child-like movies like in the old days. Children movies now are full of action, technology gadgets, and fighting scenes. Many of them are cartoons, computer made cartoons with lots of action scenes. What is special about The Sound of Music is how it transforms across so many generations, even with lack of action or computer generated scenes. No doubt, The Sound of Music has its own class. I don’t know if we’ll ever come across another movie like this again.

Because the Labor Day falls on September, it usually also marks the end of summer holiday in the U.S. The school year here typically starts in September, and for people like me who are in school, it means time to go back to the whole routine again. This school year is special because instead of starting classes like what I’ve been doing in the past three years, I’m starting an internship. The internship in my study is done at the very end of three to four years of taking classes and a series of practica. Internship is a full-time position, whereas practicum is done part-time while taking classes at the same time. Therefore, by taking my internship, it means I’m done with all of my classes and free from going to classes, studying, and doing papers. I should really be screaming yippee at this point, except that I still have a dissertation to finish, so it’d be best if I save the hooray part at the very, very end, which will be next year, exactly a year from now.

Labor Day also means that summer season is almost over. September is associated with the beginning of autumn. The season actually starts officially in mid September, even though we’re already starting to feel the fall breeze a few times in August. This summer has been an atypical summer for Chicago, very cool, only a couple of humid days. So Labor Day brings a reminder that summer is almost over, and in Chicago, it’s a time to mourn. Anyone who is familiar with winter in the Windy City knows this familiar sense of loss when summer is over. You know you’re from Chicago or have lived in the area for a while to know that there are only two seasons in Chicago, construction (which usually happens in summer) and winter.

I really shouldn’t make the impression that I dislike Labor Day due to what comes afterwards because I do love autumn. It’s the most BEAUTIFUL season, particularly with the changing color of the leaves, which makes it a very colorful season. Love those fall colors!

In the past, the cool temperature of fall season really brought such a fresh feeling from the heat, humid, muggy, sweaty summer days. I usually welcome it very much, but less so this year because I feel like I haven’t gone through a true summer yet; more like a tease of summer so far.

I love fall season because there are actually a lot of other great things associated with it. September means only one month away from the World Series of baseball! Yes! A whole month (October ) of baseball games. Unfortunately, the Yankees may be in this year, darn it! One of these years I hope to see the White Sox to play in October again, all the way to the end of October to be more specific.

Cool temperature also means time to change my wardrobe and say goodbye to my sandals, shorts and other summer outfit. There is something exciting about this changing of wardrobe. It’s hard to describe it, but it’s similar to trying new clothes because many of these clothes I haven’t worn in some months. I remember that I had to get used to this changing of wardrobe every changing of season; never had it when I was in Indonesia. It brings a refreshing feeling just to go through the action of moving clothes from the back of clothes line to the front a few times in a year. There is no way of telling, however, how long this refreshing feeling stay, perhaps until the frigid degree arrives or snow starts to fall? Then it’s time to look for my winter/snow boots. Oh gosh, it’s time to end this essay. I sure don’t like where it’s heading. Till next cold season!

I started the whole practice of meditation in May this year when I took a class in mindfulness meditation. The class taught us not only the techniques of mindfulness meditation, but also the application of the meditation into my work as a psychotherapist. The class met for about two months and we did mindfulness meditation in every class meeting, as well as yoga in almost every meeting. Yoga is incorporated as part of mindfulness meditation because there is an aspect of focusing and concentration in yoga. Mindfulness meditation (MM) is different than transcendental meditation (TM) in that MM does not involve a chanting, rather the focus is on breathing and being mindful on the whole practices itself as well as the surroundings.

Mindfulness meditation may look deceivingly simple, but it is not. People may think all that’s needed is to sit or lay down, which are the two most common forms of mindfulness meditation, and focus. Well, I found it harder than it appeared initially. Sitting still is not as easy as anyone would think. In what appears to be as a non-doing activity, meditation actually requires a great deal of effort in order to maintain the appearance of non-doing.

I have discovered several challenges so far in my meditation practices. The first one is to fight a sense of sleepiness creeping up after more than 30 minutes of meditation. It usually takes at least 30 minutes before I start to notice my head nodding sideways, front, or back. When I do laying down meditation, it would take me faster sometimes to start falling asleep. The longest time of meditation that I have done on my own is about 45 minutes and it was a struggle in the end. I have done longer than 45 minutes (about 1 hour) with the whole class. I must say that the one-hour meditation was very difficult. I was restless and my back started to ache. At one point I moved my sitting position back a few inches towards the wall so I could rest my back against the wall. However, once I rested my back and head, I started to fall asleep. Perhaps the restlessness was needed in order for me not to fall asleep.

At this point, I am not sure if I can ever meditate on my own for one hour or more without feeling restless, but hopefully one of these days I will get to that point. One thing for sure though, I am not going to force myself to get to that point. A part of me knows that I may or may not get there, and when I do, I will definitely take a notice. It would likely to feel like an accomplishment.

The second challenge is regarding my busy mind during meditation. I often found my mind drifting away and thinking about many things during meditation. In the beginning of my meditation practices, I started by focusing on my breathing every time I meditated. I enjoy this practice very much. My body usually quickly relaxes when I focus on breathing. I picture the air going into my brain, into my muscles and the rest of my body. Once we started to practice thought-watching, I found myself easily being sucked into following my thoughts instead of watching them. I ended up going with my thought for quite a long time and getting lost in that thought before I was able to recognize what my mind was doing.

The third challenge is regarding a tendency to continue judging my meditation performance. Even in my previous explanation of the second challenge, I might have sounded a little bit judgmental of myself. I have only done mindfulness meditation practice for about two months, which means I am still a novice, a trainee. Perhaps I just need to give it more time.

Mindfulness meditation has definitely been an important tool for me to stay relaxed and focused and to maintain a healthy life-style. I have even incorporated it into my exercise routine, to do it at the end of my exercise as a way to relax and rest my body. This is something that I can see myself carry on for a long time, hopefully for good. I do enjoy very much the quietness and the aloneness during meditation.

What I like about mindfulness meditation is the philosophy behind it, and I seem to have enjoyed and appreciated this more than the meditation practice itself. The philosophy behind mindfulness meditation is letting go and having non-judgmental attitudes. They have impacted me in the way I face problems and make my decisions. I used to have a hard time to let go certain things that happened to me and continue to carry negative feelings (i.e., anger, fear, or loneliness) for quite some time. For example, I used to get so angry when another driver would cut me off while I was driving, and I would do whatever I could to show my anger to the other driver, either by using the horn of the car, my own voice, or my finger. It was stupid, really, and I knew it too at that moment, but I had a hard time to let go the immediate feelings that happened as a result of what the person did.

Ever since I studied mindfulness meditation, I consciously told myself that there is no use of getting angry and that to let things go, which I have done on several occasions. In this regard, I think I have improved, to the point that I surprise myself. I am not going to lie, though, to say that I am perfect in this matter, but I have done a major improvement. In the end, it has helped to reduce my overall stress level.

Mindfulness meditation and its philosophy are definitely useful in clinical practice. I have incorporated it in my work. I found that many clients in my practicum settings in the past, for example, could definitely benefit from mindfulness practices. I have mixed it with some kind of other relaxation techniques, such as various breathing exercises or using guided imagery. Now I have mindfulness meditation as another tool to use, and this time I think it is better than those other relaxation techniques because I can also incorporate the philosophy behind mindfulness meditation. Clients then will have the opportunity to practice being mindful not just during meditation but also throughout their days. The principles behind mindfulness meditation can be applied into our daily routines, decision-making processes, and overall well-being. The meditation is just more like the icing on the cake, the cake being how we live our lives.

The Immigration Reform movement has just lost a major ally. But it’s more than just this group who has lost an ally. On August 25, 2009, this country lost a major icon and a fierce fighter for the unfortunate, the poor, and those with very little voice and power to fight. The world has lost another human rights supporter and promoter. All of these should be the highlights of his life. Many articles and blogs have been and will be written about his accomplishment, but I’d like to focus on him as a human being whose response and coping style to the multiple losses in his life was typical, ordinary, yet inspiring throughout.
If you look at the history of his life as a Kennedy, you can see that he had many ups and down, some downs were very extreme. I don’t need to list them all in this essay. Turn the television on for the next few weeks or go on the internet and you can find them. I can only imagine that being a Kennedy then and now is not easy. All of these Kennedy adults and children have lived their lives under the eyes of the whole nation. Particularly with Senator Kennedy, the eyes of the nation and the rest of the world were on him in the years following his brothers’ assassinations, watching his every move. The pressure and the stress must have been tremendous.

As a human being, he responded the way many average people would do, by coping. He was not without a flaw. As a matter of fact, he had plenty of them; some had even stood as obstacles to his political pursuit to the White House. His chosen coping mechanisms were to drown himself in work, alcohol, and unstable relationships. If we take the Kennedy name out of his last name, give him another last name, and take politics out of his family history to make it sound like a typical U.S. family, his coping style would have been seen as predictable. Those who work in the field of mental health have been trained to detect coping mechanisms, particularly after so many losses.

What is amazing about Senator Kennedy’s life is how he bounced back from all those dark, challenging years. In 1991, he made a speech to the public and apologized for his wrongdoings in the past. A year later, he remarried and made a major turn around in his life. But some of us remain to wonder how he did it, especially with the background history of having been to a series of funerals, many as a result of tragic death, and given many private, heart-wrenching eulogies. My guess is that in order to turn his life around, he must have gone back and faced those dark years that pushed him to rely on those less effective coping mechanisms. Before he could move forward, he first had to deal with his past. He then started a new chapter when he made the turn around in early 90s. This time, the new chapter has been jam-packed with what he was meant to do. We are all familiar with the content of that chapter, which just ended on the evening of August 25, 2009. That day also marks the exact one year from the day he gave his memorable speech in the 2008 Democratic National Convention for President Obama, where again he reminded people of hope and change, as he did for himself almost two decades ago.

His life story is a story of resiliency, possibility, hope, and redemption. I think his losses, pain, and suffering had better prepared him to do his job as a senator and made him a strong, humane, fierce fighter that we all know. I believe we haven’t seen the ending of his legacy yet; a new chapter has just begun. Young people and leaders in this country will take over the torch and continue to run, filling up the new chapter one page at a time. It’s just part of the Kennedy’s legacy and curse that no Kennedy can leave the public view that easily.

So, Uncle Ted, you will be remembered. Rest in peace now and watch your legacy continue your work.

Every time my husband saw me crying, he always asked me why would I then continue to read these books. For a while I couldn’t answer him because I didn’t have one, which was probably why he kept asking me every time he saw me getting frustrated. It wasn’t until Somaly Mam’s book I read last month that the answer finally came to me. I think deep inside me I knew the answer all along; I was just never quite able to put everything together into an answer. I said to my husband that I read these books because I was a witness to these people’s stories, and these are the kind of stories that will always demand audience, listeners, witnesses. It is in the telling of these stories that hope remains, or hope is the reason why they tell their stories. Which one comes first, hope or narratives, is besides the point. If people stop reading these books, then it silences the victims and survivors’ voices. What’s the use of speaking out and telling your stories when nobody’s listening? I read these books in order to maintain their hope. To borrow Paulo Freire’s expression on hope, “Hopelessness is a form of silence, of denying the world and fleeing from it”. To ignore these stories of violence, pain and suffering, survival, fight for justice, recovery and healing, means to give up on hope.

While it is true that not everyone can be expected to read through books like these, I can and, therefore, feel obligated to do it. And to be honest, I feel intrigued to read them. So, why not continue?

As a psychologist in training and a previous mental health counselor at a shelter for undocumented and unaccompanied immigrant youth, I’ve heard many horrendous stories, and I’m positive worse stories will be crossing my path in the future. There is just no way of avoiding them in my line of work. Even though I prepare myself by reading many of what I would call difficult books, my tolerance level continues to be challenged on a regular basis. It’s the horrific details of the stories that continue to challenge my deepest sense of humanity. Instead of crying the way I cry at home, I found myself crying inside while at work. I realize that there’s very little difference between what I’ve heard directly from my clients and read from those books. Evil, ugly wrongdoings happen in my city, in other parts of this country, or somewhere else in this world.

Just recently I came across a situation that may prove to be the biggest challenge so far in my line of work. I will be taking a case where it will allow me to work with, to borrow Paulo Freire’s term again, an oppressor. I can’t say more about the case due to confidentiality, but this really marks my introduction to working with somebody from the oppressor group. I usually work with and fight with people from the other side, the oppressed. I even read books that are typically telling the stories of the oppressed.

Why is this issue a big deal for me to encourage a discussion in this blog? As part of the preparation of me taking the case, I’ve been warned ahead of time that others (my colleagues) may view my action to take the case critically, if not negatively. I may be asked why would I want to take the case? Worse, some may be forming a question in their head about what kind of person who would want to work with this person?

I wrestled inside too with that question, and it dawned on me that the answer is within the same line as the answer I already gave to my husband earlier. The element of witnessing, of listening, is still there. I’ll still be witnessing stories, and furthermore, this time I’ll have the advantage of looking at the stories from the other side. How often do we in this line of work really have this opportunity? Furthermore, by listening to stories from both sides, hopefully it will give me a better perspective into my roles and responsibilities as a mechanism of change.

Another philosophy that I have found to be of tremendous help is the human rights philosophy. It is called human rights for a reason, that all humans have rights. Otherwise, it should be labeled as group rights. Continuing to bring in Paulo Freire’s work from his book Pedagogy of the Oppressed, which was also heavy in human rights thinking, I do believe that my line of work should be available to people on both sides (the oppressor and the oppressed), but with different things to keep in mind for each side. When working with the oppressed group, the key is to understand that those of us in this line of work should not force these people to follow our agenda, but to know what they need and where they are in their level of readiness to change. When working with the oppressor, the challenge is to understand the origin or past of many of the members. Freire talks a great deal about the line between the oppressed group and the oppressor, which at times, can be a very thin line. It means that those from the oppressed side can easily switch to the other side if they fail to include reflection in their action of liberating themselves (Freire believes in the element of reflection and action, which is what he refers to as praxis).

Thus, based on Freire’s point above, who exactly are these people that we labeled oppressor? Using what I know about psychology theory, particularly the theory on attachment during childhood, it’s fair to say that many of these oppressors were probably at some point in their past (possibly during childhood) fell under the oppressed side. But even if we’re not necessarily talking about childhood and even putting aside psychological theories, I believe these adult oppressors are also victims themselves within the whole system and environment that promotes the use of oppression. They become the tools of oppression because of failure to reflect on their action. Because of that understanding and based on my belief in human rights principles, they also deserve psychological help from people like me. The only one caution that I would add here is that I can only facilitate help, change or healing only for those who are ready to change. People presumably seek help because of the insurmountable pain and a somewhat readiness to change, although the latter may vary greatly from one person to another. If they seek help because they’re ready to change, then who am I to judge him or her and say…no.

Just as much as I don’t like to be judged, I try not to judge others too, even though it is within our nature as a human being to constantly build judgments in our head. On the same token, I do sometimes wish that I’m not being judged for continuing to read emotionally difficult books. I’m drawn to them because they keep me grounded, humbled, reminding me always to be thankful for what I have, my family, childhood, opportunities, and so on. The list is open and unending…. I use these stories and my new experience from work to strengthen my core self in order to be able to keep going, no matter how hard it is at times. And for those who voice a critical opinion of my choices, I’ll consider the moment as an opportunity to dialogue.

Knitting came to my life about 8 years ago. People usually don’t believe me at first when I told them that I learned how to knit at work. The place where I used to work was a program for children and adolescents who come into the U.S. unaccompanied and without a proper documentation. These children came from all over the world; pretty much almost all continents have been represented. I probably can’t be too specific in this blog regarding their country of origin, but needless to say, I’ve come across languages that I had never heard of previously. And yes, they’ve had kids from my country too, not plenty, but there have been some.

Group cohesion is a challenge in that environment due to many factors. To come up with group activities that children of all ages and from a variety of cultural background would enjoy is often more challenging than people think. To make things more complicated, there is a limited space at the shelter for a large group activity. Playing high-energy level games are often impossible. It turns out that arts and crafts activities are something that almost every cultural group has an interest in, so they do drawing, crocheting, knitting, jewelry making, friendship bracelet making, and many more activities.

Almost all adults, staff and volunteers, have been involved in the arts and crafts activities with the children. How could we not? It is the best way to get to know the children, to enter their world. And the children take it as such an honor if any of the adults joins them. Many times we, the adults, don’t even know how to do the activity, and the children happily teach us. One day, I sat down with some of the girls who were knitting. I was watching them teaching and checking each other’s knitting project when one girl asked me if I knew how to knit. I said no, but then she handed me her project and progressed to teach me, like it or not. Looking back at it now, it was quite humbling actually. I remember thinking at that time how interesting it was that the roles had been reversed; I became the student and she the teacher.

After work that day, I went straight to a bookstore (or was it an arts and crafts store?) and bought my first book of knitting, titled (surprise, surprise) How to Teach Yourself How to Knit. All I learned from the girl was how to do three basic things: casting on, how to knit and purl, and casting off. These are really the three basic things about knitting. I’ve been learning the rest of knitting techniques on my own ever since. Lots of ups and down, though, I can tell you that. Many unforgettable frustration times, unfinished projects and leftover yarns. Ask my husband, Mike, and he can happily share with you his recollections of unfinished projects, or stories of how he found yarns in every room, every closet, every corner of the house, even in the bathroom or kitchen sometimes. You name the room. Oh, although he may actually forget all about this (one place where denial can be a blessing), I did make a sweater for him one time and it was so enormously huge that it just swallowed him. That was the last time I made him a sweater. I should have known not to do that because I was too new into the whole knitting experience that I failed to pay attention to one thing, how to use gauge. Yeah, big mistake!  

Gauge in knitting or crocheting is crucial, especially when following a pattern, because every knitter pulls yarn to make stitches differently; some make tighter stitches than others. Often you’re also not lucky enough to find the exact yarn that was used to make the model project in the pattern, and using a different yarn can mean either a larger or smaller finished size if you fail to take into consideration the gauge size.

So, a lesson to all new knitters, or those who are interested in knitting, the fourth most important technique to learn in knitting is how to use gauge. Remember that!

I’ve been enjoying knitting so much that I think I’d be lost if I can’t knit anymore. There have been times when one of my arms, or both, became so much in pain because of the constant repetitive movements. This usually happens after knitting for so many hours in more than two or three days (those days have long gone). I probably experienced carpel tunnel syndrome without even knowing it. Ever since I went back to school, the schedule has been so crazy and constantly changing that I haven’t been able to do knitting as often as I would like. Attempts to include knitting into my schedule require me to work on small and easy projects so I can bring the project with me anywhere I go. I’ve knitted on the train, during my lunch, or while in a group supervision/meeting in practicum site. I can even knit without looking at the project in my hands, as long as it requires no fancy stitches, to the point that I would now knit while watching TV at home.
No time a wasting!

I think I can just knit and knit nonstop, even if it means that in the end I have to unravel the whole project again because I run out of yarn. Of course I’d be happy to see a finished project, but I knit not firstly because I crave for an end project, rather the knitting itself that satisfies me. I read an article one time in a knitting magazine (yes, there are such things as knitting magazines) about two types of knitters, the product and the project. The product knitters are those who knit with the goal to accomplish an end product. The project knitters are those who enjoy the making of a project or the process, the longer the better. I’m in the latter group, obviously, as evidenced by the large amount of unfinished projects in the house. When I say large amount, I mean, a lot of them. Hence, my nickname (courtesy of my husband), the mad knitter.

I have also experienced a sense of “knitting withdrawal” whenever I didn’t touch knitting yarns or needles in days, especially in weeks. I’ve had times when the first thing I touched in the morning as soon as I woke up was my knitting project (Scary, I’m actually using the language of addiction). I’ve even knitted first thing in the morning sometimes as a way to wake up. Knitting allows me to warm up my hands and clear my head to help me focus. But most importantly, what I love the most is the feeling of yarns in between my fingers. I love the tactile aspect of the whole thing. I’m a ‘touchy’ person it seems. I love to touch things and feel them.

I think I know why I enjoy knitting so much. It’s the solitude that it gives me. It allows me to be free with my head, with my thoughts. When I knit alone without anything else around me, no TV, no people, I can get so deep and lost in my thoughts. Because it allows me time to think and solitude, it’s also a form of stress releasing. And the tactile feeling when touching the yarns and needles, forming one stitch at a time, looking at the stitches, all of those can be very hypnotizing at times. It’s like falling into a spell; I’d forget about my surroundings and get lost in my head. It’s wonderful, actually. Try it sometimes. Just don’t try it with me, because I’d be so lost in space and not be a good company. Kidding.  

Actually, I’ve held a women’s group at one point in my previous practicum placement where I taught the women how to knit and then they used the group as a process group while knitting at the same time. Knitting, I believe, is so versatile and almost anyone can knit. Long time gone now is this whole image of knitting as something available to and should be done by older women only. Knitting has come back as something stylish and hip now. Ever heard of Stitch and Bitch? The name sounds awful, but it’s a group of women around the nation; it functions as almost like a support group for women to socialize, support each other and knit.

If knitting has a downside, it is the high cost of yarns, especially specialty yarns. Also, knitting yarns, even the thinnest sports-size yarn, can still be too thick sometimes for summer clothes. Therefore, people who live in much warmer climate countries would not right away view knitting as appealing. However, knitting has so much potential. I will definitely incorporate it more in my future work somehow. Don’t think that I’ll abandon my needles and yarns any time soon. The only thing that will stop me from knitting is when my hands finally give up on me due to health related reasons, which will break my heart. I just hope that I can find a new hobby when that happens, but I truly don’t think anything can replace knitting. Won’t you think so?